My husband of 4 years and I have two small children. I found out he was hiding a drug addiction, got him help, didn't work, and left him. He went to texas to go to rehab, then checked out after a week and I didn't hear from him for almost two weeks, (unreturned phone calls, etc..). After lots of pressure from family and friends and not hearing from him, I filed for divorce. Then he called...and was upset that I filed. He has since been living in Texas with his mother, hasn't sent any money for me or the kids, and didn't come down for Xmas, yet still says he will come down this weekend. He calls me every other day, we still love each other, we had a fairly good relationship before all the madness started. Now he claims he is off drugs.....what do I do? Yes, I miss him, yes he his the father of my children, yes I left him and filed, and yes I know I can have a good life without him. But I do still care for him, and wonder if there is any hope at all for us to have any sort of future together anymore?
Marriage & Divorce - 18 Answers
People's Answers, Critics, Comments, Opinions :
Answer 1 :
maybe you should still get the divorce or stay seperated for a while. just give eachother some space. but since you do still care about eachother, stay close, see eachother daily, and eventually, things will work out
Answer 2 :
Have him take a drug test before you agree to anything else. If he's willing and passes, then you know at least that is the truth. If he's not willing or fails, then you know it's just another lie. No matter what, I would not let drug abusers near my kids, father or not. They don't deserve that.
Answer 3 :
He has a lot to prove before you should go back to him. You can't believe everything he says right now or you will walk into a trap. You also have the responsibility of making sure the kids aren't effected at all by him. Take this one slow and make sure you know what you are doing.
Answer 4 :
give him 1 more chance, if he is still drugy, then file again, it would be the best thing for you and your children
Answer 5 :
Sounds like he is not doing his part to put things back together. You would probably be better off moving on. However if you want him back make sure he is putting in the effort and let him know your expectations. Like you expect child support and regular visits etc. This may help see if he is really committed.
Answer 6 :
Depends on whether he's off the drugs. Ask his mother first, if you can believe her, or get a drug test when and if he turns up. If he's not, there's not much point, is there?
Answer 7 :
Don't drop the divorce - he should prove that he is off drugs, before you give him a second chance. This is not being selfish, this is being responsible for the well being of your children. If he is off the drugs, yes, give him another chance, but make it clear that if he EVER goes back to the drugs, you will not tolerate it.
Answer 8 :
I see the only way for you two to have a future together is for him getting help. On his own. He has to know that he has a problem. It doesn't sound like he cares too much right now. You just need to do for you and your kids. That is the only thing you have control over right now. Not him. You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. He might say he does want help, but until he gets off is butt and actually does it, don't believe it. I know it's sad, but true.
Answer 9 :
I think what you need to do for the sake of yourself-- mostly your children-- is give this man some time to himself and make sure that he is truly better. Think of how terrible it would be for their father to come back and have him still be a junky. Dangerous and terrible. Give this time. I realize you love him and he possibly still loves you, but it is in your best interest to see that he is not the man that he once was.
Answer 10 :
sorry to say. theres no hope when one party is trying and the other isn't. for one a habit is hasd to kick. And on top of that lies don't help. In the long run you did whats best for your safety and the kids. You never want to exspose them to drugs, or have them assume its okay for them to use by you staying with their dad.
Answer 11 :
well im not that good with relationships, but after reading this i think you should talk to your husband, face-to-face, and discuss what is going on and how you are feeling. talking may help.
Answer 12 :
maybe you should bring him back home and see how things go.. no harm in trying but if you dont try then it could all go wrong.. like, if you leave it too long, feelings could fade and then you'll have lost precious time together. work on it.. if you love him and he loves you then why throw it away for no reason.. if he says he's off drugs then believe him. if you figure he is still on them. get rid of him because therefor he lied to you and no longer can be trusted.
Answer 13 :
no because he will choose crack over family
Answer 14 :
Wow, you have lots of things to think about, and most importantly the safety of your children. Keep in mind the man you married and love is not the same man who is on drugs. I would advise you not to divorce. He is hurting and needs help. This would be part of the vows that gets tough "sickness and health". You stuck with him through the health hang in there. Separation and time for him to get back on his feet sounds like a good deal. If the shoe was on the other foot would you want him to give up on you? I would give it a couple of years more and then evaluate. Divorce is messy but I a lot harder to deal with the "what ifs and heart ache later. Sounds like your husband has some soul searching to do, let him know you love him, want to give him time to get better but you must protect yourself and kids by being separated. A divorce may push him even further into the dumps. Hope all works out well. Hang in there but don't give up. Think of the story you will have to tell if you make it through this!
Answer 15 :
i was with someone for 5 yrs and the first yr and half didnt know about it, well, he got help but this didnt stop him, he really drained me. i am still friends with him , he has a child as i do now, this was yrs ago he was like my best friend, but his addiction broke us apart it was like he got worse and it wasnt all the time , it was his stupidity and his behavior when he was drugged up, i left , im glad . do not let yr emotions get involved esp u have kids , if you love yr children more than him, do not let him back into yr lives.. even if he says hes done. i doubt it why didnt he call you? addicts lie all the time. self centered and lying go hand in hand. i cant believe you still are talking to him. you havent let enough time go by even for him to prove to you that he quit doesnt help with talking on the phone those are only words. Do not destroy yr kids lives , that would make you self centered. you dont want yr kids growing up blaming you for all the heartaches and they will tell you that you had many choices to make and you wanted the drugs back in yr life. divorce him move on he wont change and if he does it takes years and years usually before he decides that and you cant jeopordize yr kids for an addict. Also if something was to happen you could get yr kids taken away because it would be you who chose to endanger them around an addict.
Answer 16 :
Unless you are made of steel,your spouses addictions dont just bounce off you. They erode, chip away and penetrate your heart and soul. Its called the waiting trap. you know how when your in a hurry and you could take the stairs but instead you wait for the elevator. You wait 3min then 4. And you think it will be any minute and wait 5 then 7 then 10 min. Well your married so you think hell change and you wait 5 years hen 2 more then he promises to stop and change so you wait 1 more then it becomes 10 and there is no change. But your older and you now have teenagers with addictions and problems. read this poem: http://www.community4me.com/LETGO.html Love can become a habit. Just like alcohol to an alcholic. he was very important to you. You crave the security the predictability. You invested time and energy, memories, plans, dreams. To let hiim go is to risk. Its a loss of part of your life. Its scary. Security is gone and the unknown is fearful. But some relationships are like broken glass> Its better to leave them broken than to hurt yourself trying to put the pieces back together. Read your post. He has shown you no proof of change. He hasnt helped you. He hasnt thought of his kids or your funds. He hasnt even completed any program and believe me he cant overcome addictions without a long haul of programs and support groups. Hon, go to an aa group for the spouse of an alchohoic. It will open your eyes. You wil find your answers there. Good luck
Answer 17 :
Go to an Alanon meeting ASAP. They will help you sort this all out. The meetings are for the husbands/wives of alcoholics. I don't know if they have any meetings for drug addict's wives. Just call your local meeting and GO. They will Help more than anyone here!!! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE. AGAIN, PLEASE CALL THEM.
Answer 18 :
It was doomed when you found out he was hiding a drug addiction from you where is the honesty and he cant think much of his kids if he didn't see them over christmas, It sounds as if he is just using you once you filed for divorce he got back in contact with you stay strong for your kids or he will end up hurting them
Read more discussions :
